The past couple weeks have definitely been the hardest emotionally, not just for me and Hilary, but also for Marissa.  She continues to cry for Lauren, telling us how much she misses her.  She has moments of where is she becomes very quiet and withdrawn.  She has also been reluctant to go to school (pre-school).  But it's tough to know how much to push her into going.  While It's important, it is just preschool.  How far can she fall behind?  Besides she'll still be in pre-school next year.  But a good sign (I think), is Marissa is slowly beginning to raid Lauren's stuff.  To her credit, she'll look up towards heaven and ask "Lauren, is it okay if I take this?"  She'll wait a few seconds and then say, "What?  What did you say?  What?".  I'll then have to say, "It's okay.  She said it's ok".  Marissa also gets sad when there is no clouds in the sky.   The other day when we were driving to Starbucks, she said "there is no clouds in the sky.  Where is Lauren?"  I said, "maybe she went on a trip".  Marissa responded, "to China?"  For some reason, she says that is her favorite country.  Even though she has never been there and is also not Chinese.   But then again, she thinks she can speak Mexican (not Spanish).  I said, "Yes.  To China.".  Marissa:  "but is she is over China, how can she watch over us?"  Me: "ummm."  

-  We still haven't found an urn yet.  A few people have given us some suggestions and ideas.  We have a design in mind.  Sleeping Beauty on a bed.  Now we just have find it.  Not sure if we can have one custom made.  I'll check Disney the next we go (if we can ever bring ourselves to go there again). 

Lauren is finally back home where she belongs. I picked up her cremated remains yesterday. She is now next to her baby sister Brooke. The next step is to find an appropriate urn. I have been searching the web every night for over a week, but I can't find anything that she'd like. Most of the urns I've seen look too much like urns. We want something pink with princesses or fairies on it. Something girlish. It may seem silly, but we just want to find something fitting for her that she'd like.

How are we holding up?...., still not good. We're still a mess. I've woken up in the middle of the night a few times to Hilary crying in bed. Marissa doesn't want to go to school. She is very clingy and is reluctant to leave Hilary's or my side. Obviously, she is worried that me or Hilary will go to heaven, leaving her and never come back. I have been having these hiccup-type sobs. They usually occur when I think about taking a trip somewhere and then I start thinking about how Lauren would have loved to have gone there. Then I imagine her laughing and running around , then I feel the beginning of tears forming. I then take control of all my feelings and push them down, repressing them deep down inside me where they belong. At which point, a hiccup-sob pops out. I must be close to capacity. Maybe some counseling wouldn't be a bad idea. Finlay, on the other hand just coos and gurgles, laughs and smiles all the time. At least one of us is happy.

Ideas:
We have been toying with the idea of having an annual tea party/golf tourney fundraiser in honor of Lauren, as a way to raise money for cancer research, specifically brain tumor research. Neither one of us has ever organized anything like that in our lives, so we'll see.

The following blog entries are some of the readings from Lauren's funeral:

Reading from Bill McGowan

Reading from Lauren's Cousins

Reading from Tina Patterson

Reading from Betsy Roberts

Reading from Uncle John Rea and Uncle Victor Fitzsimmons

Reading from Bill McGowan

I have been lucky to know Lauren since she was a baby and have been able to share many special experiences with her and her family.

The first one that stands out is a trip we took to Lake Mead. We spent a week on a house boat and it was my first time spending that kind of time with a baby. I didn't know what to expect. By the end of the trip I was singing and dancing all of the Wiggles songs with Lauren. She was a such a good baby on that trip. Always smiling, you couldn't help but fall in love with her. That week Lauren touched me in so many ways and strengthened my own desire to be a father.

Over the past six years I have been blessed to be able to share many more experiences like that with Lauren and I cherish them all.

I will miss her, and she will be missed by so many people.

As I was thinking of the right words to say to honor Lauren, I kept seeing her smile in my head and started to wonder why I was so lucky to always get to spend time with her when she was at her best and I realized, that's just Lauren - happy, smiling, just a good girl all the time and the courage that she has faced these last 2 years is nothing short of amazing.

Gordon and Hilary, I am so sorry for your loss, but you should know that through these past 2 years that you, lauren, and both of your families have shown so many an example of love, commitment, courage, and family that many people can only hope for and it is easy to see how a child raised in your family can be as wonderful as Lauren is.

Readings from Lauren's Cousins

Dear Lauren,

There are many things that I will miss about you. The way you use to give me hugs. Taking baths together whenever I slept at your house or when you would come to visit Grandma and Grandpa Nihei, playing dress up and just being silly.

I want to thank you for telling me about Taylor Swift, Pink and iCarly. Thank you for giving me your extra Doggy DS game and showing me Pinkberry.

Remember that time we went to Starbucks and I lost my tooth and swallowed it when your dad bought us Rice Krispie treats for breakfast? That was so funny.

You are a great cousin and friend. I will miss your cute smile and sweet voice. I love you Lauren.

Love,
Maddie
7 years old

From AJ Nihei (9 years old):

Lauren was a lot of fun.

She was kind and respectful.

Lauren is one of my favorite cousins.

She was fun to play with.

One of my favorite things to do with Lauren was to play our DS.

Lauren is nice and sweet.

I'm really going to miss Lauren a bunch. I love Lauren.


From Matt Nihei (7 years old):

Lauren was one of my favorite cousins.

She was kind to me and nice to me.

I liked going to Disneyland and Legoland with her.

I will miss her a lot. I'll love her always.

Reading from Tina Patterson

Just a mere 6 years ago, Hilary and Gordan were blessed with the birth of their first beautiful daughter…. And what a blessing it was. I remember just the other day, how Hilary was telling me that you never really know the love of a child until you have your first. You would do anything for them, and their life. And that was extremely apparent in their lives. I know for a fact if able, they would do these past few years all over again, just to have their Loli back.

Little did they know their life would forever change. On April 1, 2008 Lauren was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Thankfully…with the help of God and their relationship with him, they have been able to make this journey so strongly. Through some of the most difficult times this family has endured, they have always made the best of it and come out fighting and on top. Through everything, they still would have a smile on their face…and recently with the birth of their 4th beautiful girl, how could you not smile. She is smiling right now, looking up at her big sisters in heaven who are playing, and running, and jumping; Loli is holding Brooke, and singing to her, caressing her and loving her with her amazing heart. And every once in awhile, while Marissa is sleeping, Loli yells wakey wakey…just to make herself laugh!

Along this journey, there have been many people this family has come in contact with…new friends, family members coming together, total strangers praying for the first time, because Lala’s story inspired them, I don’t think the Nihei family has any idea how many people they have actually touched along this journey. God has a plan, I truly believe this…even though we may not understand or even want to understand, we don’t loose faith, we believe, and we accept the burdens he has placed in our hands. This family showed us that…. I feel truly blessed to know the Nihei and Vernor family. My life will forever be changed by them and especially their Lala.

Words cannot ever begin to describe what an amazing young lady Lala was. I met you and your family almost 2 years ago when you came to CHLA. What a beautiful girl you were. A heart of gold, and a smile that lit up a room. You have always had such an amazing strength about you. No matter what life threw at you, you took it with a smiling heart. You have endured so many things these past few years, things that a little girl should never have to endure.

I have so many wonderful memories of you my sweet, sweet, Lala. Secretly; don’t ever tell our managers, but you my love were definitely our own Day Hospital VIP! When you arrived, it was a happy time. Tattoos, stickers, food, nail painting session, etc… you name it. Even red velvet cupcake parties at your bedside while you were getting chemo. I always remember how you loved the tribal tattoos on your arms that my mom would buy for us. By the end of your chemo day, you, Marissa, mommy, granny and even the nurses would be covered in tattoos…. Sometimes I even wrote silly things on mommy with the tattoo letters…. J

I remember the first time I ever painted your nails, you wanted a different design on each toe; boy did I have my work cut out. Silly me for asking what you wanted (little did I know at that time just how sophisticated you truly were). Lol. When you asked me for a dolphin I thought “wow…. I am screwed”. This little princess has some high standards for nail art. A few random polka dots are not gonna cover it. J But of course Uncle Mike and Uncle Steve never had to paint fancy designs like me…maybe cause they were boys Loli you were going easy on them.

Food was always close to our hearts…. Pink berry, Dannette’s red velvet cupcakes, the Alcove…our many ramen disscussions…the lists can go on and on……. There are so many places that will forever remind me of you and make me smile while I remember them. Just as the rest of your family will forever do the same……

Anytime I am camping and making s’mores, I will forever remember your beautiful smile that night around the campfire as we cooked s’mores, squished the marshmellows and chocolate in our mouths and made silly faces. One of my favorite pictures of you is with your s’more by the campfire, and your precious angelic face smiling up at me, from ear to ear. You were so happy at that moment and enjoying your self oh so much. Oh how I miss that smile…and all your stories…. Oh Lala…..

It saddens my heart that you are gone….. You will be deeply missed by all…..especially your family. Thank you Lauren for allowing me to be such an intimate part of your life, and thank you to Hilary and Gordon, Caroline and Laurence for letting me in and loving me as I was your own….. I am forever grateful for the friendships that have been made. God bless you all….and Lala… I’ll be seeing you again one day.

I love you,
Tina
　
　

Reading from Betsy Roberts

Lauren….Our Love Story
I don’t believe people are brought into your life by chance or luck. I believe God brings them into your life for a reason. There is always a reason. The reason these people were brought into my life was I was to be blessed to know them. I would like to share with you today a love story. A story between two people who became friends and then best buddies over coffee.

Webster’s definition of buddy is ”A person you have a strong liking for and trust in. Someone you like to do things together with, share secrets with, and have things in common with.” He goes on to give synonyms of comrade, confidant, and pal.

“Our First Meeting”
One Saturday morning around 1 ½ years ago, I dashed off around 7:30 am to Dos Lago’s Starbucks to get my morning coffee. My days start this way. Not only do I love the coffee but love the baristas and the people who I meet there. So this morning I dash in, order my coffee, of course talk, talk, talk as I place my order and pay for my drink. I move to the end of the bar to pick up my coffee. There sitting on the high seat chairs at the end of the bar are a father and a little girl. Of course, I say good morning and the little girl smiles. I can’t remember what the first things we said were but I know our conversation went onto doggies. I told her that I had a Yorkie that weighed 5 pounds and she was very excited. I asked if she and her Papa came often and she told me that they usually came every weekend around the same time. We had such a fun conversation that I told her that I would plan to meet them the next weekend and I would bring Tiki to meet her. This wasn’t a short conversation; we had talked long enough that I had already drunk my latte just enjoying her company. What a little doll she was and a pleasure to talk to.

“Tiki and Lauren’s First Meeting”
The next weekend we met at Starbuck’s. Gordon and Lauren were sitting inside. I slipped Tiki inside my jacket and made my way over to the table. Of course, Tiki went crazy when he saw Lauren and Lauren went crazy for Tiki. They were instant friends. Believe it or not, Tiki didn’t bark, and I didn’t get busted and thrown out of Starbucks.

“My Weekend Ritual”
My weekend ritual became that on Saturday & Sunday I made it a mission to be at Starbucks at the assigned time so that I could meet my buddy. My husband would just smile when I went out the door and said “I going to meet Lauren for coffee.”

“Petite Vanilla Scones”
We didn’t have silly conversations. We had one conversation that revolved around petite vanilla scones. This was something that we both liked. I sat down at the table one morning and asked her why she didn’t have her scone. She told me they were “too sweet” and so I asked and we found out that they had in fact changed the recipe. I happened to have some sugar cookies that I had made at home that weren’t really sweet so a quick trip home and my buddy had a treat along with some cookies for the rest of the family.

“Girls Weekend in Palm Springs”
Another weekend Lauren explained to me that she wouldn’t see me the next weekend. She was going on a “Girls Weekend” with her Grannie, Mama, Auntie, Marissa, and I believe a cousin. She emphasized that “no boys” were coming it was just the girls and they were going to Palm Springs. They were going to stay in a big hotel and swim and have a really good time. She was so excited. So we made plans that when she got back she could tell me all about it the next time we met.

Two weeks later Lauren proceeded to tell me the story. She told me that they swam, had a nice dinner and a really good time. They settled down for the night in bed with their jammies on. Grannie had a movie on the TV for them but they couldn’t settle down. They were feeling itchy. She said they kept feeling itchy and scratchy. Finally I don’t remember if it was Hilary or Grannie but they flipped the covers back and sure enough bed buggies were there. Lauren went on to tell me about the phone call to the front desk and how they came on golf carts and took them off in the middle of the night to different rooms. She was indignant but couldn’t wait to tell me the story. This story coming from a 4 year old+ little girl. I had to absolutely laugh out loud. She was so mad, but laughing away the whole time.

"Learning of Lauren’s Illness"
I never really knew what illness Lauren had. I just knew that I loved her. One weekend Gordon shared her blog address with me and then I understood. Any weekend that I didn’t see them I would always ask the baristas if I had missed them or if they had been in. If they hadn’t been in I immediately went to the blog to check on my buddy and see what was up. If the baristas hadn’t seen Lauren and Gordon they were always asking me how they were and what was happening. See Lauren was loved by many, many people at Starbuck’s.

"Lauren Sharing Stories of her Extended Family with Me"
I would like to share something with the extended family. I feel like I know you guys. She would tell stories of her Grannie and Auntie. She told me of the famous Uncle Steve with doggies. These are the stories Lauren shared with me. She made you all come to life for me. She shared you with me and how very much she loved you. She would tell me when she was taking a trip up north to visit her Papa’s family and everyone that she was going to see. I still love the picture of you all sitting on the staircase. I just want you all to know with how much love she spoke about you.

"Our Last Coffee Date before Valentine’s Day"
The last time Lauren and I had coffee was the weekend before Valentine’s Day. Gordon warned me that she was extremely quiet and didn’t talk much. I told him it didn’t matter to me that I could talk for the both of us and I would just love to see her. We talked about the Father Daughter dance coming up at school and that she was going with her Papa. We talked about the fact that she had a new dress and headband to wear. Lauren loved headbands and she liked it that I wore them for work. She thought that was super cool. I also gave her insider trading secrets that Starbuck’s was coming out with a special Valentine’s cup with hearts on it starting that Monday. We talked about that sometimes boys are not very nice but that they grow up and they turn out pretty nice. They really don’t mean to be mean. We looked at pictures on my Iphone of Tiki and laughed. I could see she was getting tired and she wanted to go onto Michaels so I gave her a big hug and told her how much I loved her and to have a super time at the dance. I told her I was going to look at the pictures that Papa put on Facebook so I could see her dress. Gordon later shared with me that she was more talkative that she had been in awhile. Thank you God for the precious blessing.

Personal Thanks from my heart……
I wanted to say thank you to Dr. Finlay, the wonderful nurses and people who cared for Lauren along her journey. Thank you for each extra precious moment that I had with my buddy. I also wanted to say to Madysen. Webster needs to change his definition of friend. It needs to say friend: “see Madysen”. My prayer for you all is that your kindness and love is returned to you 100 fold.

For all of us who love Lauren, LaLa, Pretty Pink Princess, Warrior, Angel whatever you call her the last few weeks have been more than stressful. We watched, read, prayed, texted, called out for our friends and family to pray for our Lauren. Gordon and Hilary unselfishly shared the story with us. We became one large family united in Lauren’s journey. I found myself at all hours just as many of you did checking Facebook or the blog to check on the family to see how they were doing to let them know we were praying and thinking of them. We really didn’t know what else to do. Words can’t express the anguish you feel for them, the wish that you could take just some of the pain. Thursday night around 11:30 pm I posted a note to Gordon, Hilary and family. I just told them how thankful I was that they were home together and that Lauren was there. I thanked God because I had been praying so hard the whole day for him to make it happen and to get her home with them. I felt such a sense of peace.
When I am with Gordon, Lauren, Hilary, Marissa & Finlay the love hits me like a force field. I can physically feel how much they love each other. There is a sense of warmness, comfort and joy. Gordon and Hilary you are amazing parents, Marissa you are the best little sister. Finlay you are the cutest “Chunky Monkey” and make me smile. I know why I was to meet you, I was rewarded by God.

So my little Buddy, run, dance, play, jump in heaven. Splash Marissa while in your bubble bath from heaven, I will never think of rain the same way again. Sing Hannah Montana so loud that I can hear it down here. I am listening. I will continue to have coffee with Papa, Mama, Marissa and Finlay. I will love them and hug them for you. I will love you and never forget you. I will keep you close in my heart and thoughts. I will see you in heaven, save my chair, and we will have coffee together again.