I know there are a few people out there wondering how we're doing since I haven't posted an update in awhile. I would say we're still not doing good, but we're coping as best we can. We've been keeping busy, having gone to Disney, camping and Las Vegas/Phoenix (the girls went to Phoenix to visit Uncle Steve, while I went to Vegas with the fellas), the past three consecutive weekends.

Disneyland was tough, since not only did Lauren really love Disney, but we were planning to take her there when she got out of the hospital and also this specific visit had been planned for awhile. My friends from NorCal were coming down and we had planned to hang out with them (with Lauren) for three days. It was tough. Lauren was constantly on our minds, especially when we sat on rides or attractions that she loved, like It's a Small World and the Tiki Room. But even rides that she didn't go on, like the Matterhorn, was tough. On this visit, Marissa decided reluctantly, to go on the Matterhorn since all the other older girls were going on it. She ended up LOVING IT. Which brought a smile to my face, but at the same time made me sad inside knowing that Lauren never did get to go on it. It's strange but the happier I feel on the outside, the more sad I feel on the inside. Every time I feel happy or laugh at something, I also feel sad because I know how much that something would have made Lauren laugh or how much she would have liked it. Obviously, we just don't feel complete being there without Lauren. Marissa told us more than once during the day at Disney that she misses Lauren.

The following weekend we went camping with three other families. It was tough. My one friend have two daughters, 5 and 7 years old. Seeing them and Marissa playing was really hard. Also seeing the older girls there was hard because Lauren would have really liked to hang out with them.

And this past weekend, the girls with granny/granda went to visit Uncle Steve in Arizona. Hilary said the house seemed a little quiet without Lauren's contagious laugh. She also had a way of egging Marissa on, usually to do something funny and mischievous. Once again, Marissa told Hilary that she misses Lauren.

Other stuff:

Marissa has started swim lesson. Of course, this is something Lauren always wanted to do. Marissa was so determined to lean how to swim and to see how much fun and how well Marissa is doing it makes me both so happy and sad. I know it's painful. Everything we do makes us think about how much Lauren would have liked it. Like those silly pillow pets. They are stuffed animals that fold open into a pillow. She really, really wanted one. But I wouldn't buy her one. She had too much stuffed animals already. Granda has spent a fortune on stuffed animals for her. She'd play with them for a few minutes, not even a day sometimes. But now that Marissa has two of them, I'm thinking how hard would it have been to buy her one.

Auntie Say is heading to SF to meet with her neurosurgeon. There has been some changes in her MRI. There has been discrepancy between the doctors (that includes Dr. Finlay) on what is happening. They can not tell if the tumor is growing or if part of her brain has shifted due to the removal of part of the tumor. It is amazing how much interpretation goes into reading an MRI. I would think it would be more black and white, yes or no.

Finlay has stopped holding her head at those strange angles. We're hoping that she was just fooling around. It doesn't help that we're extremely paranoid. Also, she was 21 lbs. at her last weigh-in. Marissa is only 31 lbs. Lauren and Marissa didn't hit 20 lbs. until they were over 12 months. Chunky Monkey.


Here are pictures of some of Lauren final days: When the tumor hemorrhaged and we thought we were going to lose her. We never talked to her again after this; Moments before she passed; Mrs. Little visiting; Uncle Mike painting her nails; About to leave CHLA for the last time; ....and Lauren at peace.