We are still reeling about how things have transpired over the past two weeks. Even though we've learned a long time ago life can change quickly, it doesn't make it any easier when it does.  And to think, last Thursday, we took Lauren into the hospital for a sore back. I apologize if this post does not make any sense, but the past few days have been a blur.  Right now I feel so empty and lost inside that I am not sure if I'll even post what I write.   

In addition to her five broken vertebras, Lauren also had a very bad infection in her lungs.  One of the long term affects of the steroid she was taking over the past two years is that besides making her bones brittle, it weakened her immune system. This is what they think lead to the fungus infection in her lungs, which apparently is extremely hard to treat and to be identified.  In fact, since nothing grew from the cultures they took during her bronchoscope, they were planning on doing a biopsy on a area in her lungs to try and identify the type of infection.  

The infection in her lungs caused Lauren to have a very nasty cough, which they believe caused the area of the tumor to show signs of necrosis because it was weaker, which lead to bleeding as well as swelling.  The swelling prevented her shunt from draining the fluid in her head and with the added pressure from the bleeding it caused her to have a seizure on Sunday, which caused her to stop breathing for a few seconds.  In fact, she never really regained consciousness after that and likely suffered brain damage.  

We met with Dr. Finlay last Wednesday after she lost consciousness. We really weren't expecting any miracle treatment plans up his sleeves.  We pretty much knew there wasn't much more they could do for Lauren.  Lauren was not responding to commands and her pupils didn't move at all to any lights. And as expected, Dr. Finlay said there was nothing more he could do.  If there was even the slightest chance of hope, he would not have given up, but this time, he said it was time.  And we were in agreement.  Lauren told us, maybe not in words, that she was done fighting.  Her constant smile and twinkle in her eyes had been missing these past few weeks.  The non-stop chatter box was no longer talking and there was no more laughing.  If she wasn't happy, why put her though all of this? Dr. Finlay said, with the size of the tumor she had, it was a miracle she lasted this long.  So during our meeting we told him of our desire to take her home.  

So on Thursday, we came home by ambulance.  Leaving the hospital that day was so hard.  We were so touched that so many nurses, doctors, and many other medical staff that we have come to know over the past two years, came by to visit Lauren, one last time before we left.  It reconfirmed to us how special Lauren was.  The drive home in the ambulance was not good.  Like a truck, we felt every little bump in the road.  Lauren was violently shaking the whole way home. I was thinking she might not even make it home.  As an example of how many special people we have met on this journey, the ambulance personnel held and stroked Lauren's hand the entire 1 1/2 hour ride home.  She didn't let go of Lauren's hand once.  I can't tell you how appreciative and chocked up we were to see that.  

It was nice after over two weeks to finally get her home and in her favorite spot on the coach where a parade of people came to say good bye. It was tough to watch when her best friend and neighbor came to say good bye.  I can't say enough good things about Madysen.  We were afraid that Madysen would leave Lauren as she made many more friends in school.  Friends that could keep up with her on the jungle gym and play ground.  But no, while Madysen did play with others, she always returned to be by Lauren's side, always watching out for her.  When playing outside a few weeks ago, even though Lauren wasn't really talking or moving very well, she wanted to play with Madysen.  Madysen came over and took Lauren by the arm and helped her to slowly walk over to her house.  Madysen was the most loyal of friends.

Once the breathing tube was removed, which they did once we made the decision to take her home, her breathing became very labored due to the infection in her lungs.  This caused her to breathe faster, which caused her heart rate to increase.  They began to give her morphine so that she wasn't in pain.  I was afraid she might not make it through the night and we wouldn't be able to bring her home.  Even though I wanted to bring her home, I told Lauren and Hilary told Lauren she could go.  That it was okay. That we'd miss her but we'd be okay.  We told her it was okay for her to go to heaven.  That it was time for her to play and run and dance.  That her baby sister Brooke needed her.  Yet she continued to fight.  Finally on Thursday night, Granda (who had spent every working day with her for the first four years of her life while Hilary was working full time), who having the hardest time accepting the fact that there was nothing more we could do for Lauren,  who we suspect was telling Lauren to continue to fight, finally told her that she could go to heaven, too. Once Lauren knew that Granda was okay with her leaving, she finally left us that night.  Peacefully.  We found out from granny, that Lauren's yellow parakeet, Cream, also died during the night.  We can't help but imagine Lauren being escorted to heaven by a golden bird.  

Other stuff:

- A law of Riverside county requires that any child death requires the Riverside Sheriff to file a report.  Because we allowed CHLA to perform an autopsy so that her tumor and lungs could be studied, CHLA needed the body within 4 hours of her passing.  Because of this, the sheriff ok'd the Sheriff's Coroner to perform her examination at the house instead at the city morgue.  It was very hard to watch the coroner examine and take various pictures of her body. In fact, Hil almost lost it, and started in on the poor coroner who was just doing her job.  You could see it in the coroner's face that she was having just as hard of a time examining a child in the child's house.  

-  Marissa was very mad that we didn't call her when Lauren went to heaven.  She has been crying off and on since Friday.  We told her that Lauren will be coming back for a special party on Saturday, where she can say good bye.  When we were near the fountain outside of Starbucks, Marissa disappeared from my sight.  when i did spot her, she was sitting down in a quiet spot, in the shade.  She had her eyes closed and hands in a prayer.  She told me later that she had talked to Lauren.  

-  It looks like the funeral is tentatively set for 3 pm next Saturday 17th at Olive Branch church in Corona.  I will post the address and time when everything is confirmed.