Lauren was up at CHLA on Monday for her scheduled appointment and she'll be up there again today. We're having a hard time getting authorization for a home nurse to pull labs. The insurance company will only authorize a local lab that doesn't have experience with ports and we know from past experiences, labs with no port experience always have a hard time finding Lauren's veins. We are not going to subject her to multiple pokes to try and find one. So until we can get authorization, we will continue to make the 3 to 4-hour round trip drive to CHLA.

As I was mentioning before I got side tracked, Lauren was up at CHLA on Monday for a scheduled appointment. Surprisingly, her counts were good and even show some improvements. There is a little mixed emotion in these results. I know a lot of people have inquired about donating platelets and/or blood and a few of you have already donated and/or scheduled to donate. I know CHLA is very far for a lot of you , especially the ones who live in OC and giving platelets is a very time consuming process. I know (or least assume) that a lot of you are making the drive all the way to CHLA just for Lauren so I want her to use the donated blood and/or platelets, but at the same time I am glad she may not need them. I don't want to be the boy who cried wolf in case the next time nobody will donate. At least for the people who have donated, please just know that you're helping and maybe saving the life of another child.

As of Monday, Lauren has given up talking. It's as if she is done with us. She just sits on the couch and watches TV all day. If we turn off the TV, she'd still just sit there and watch it. She doesn't color, draw, or play her DS. She rarely talks or interacts with Marissa or Finlay. A heartbreaking moment is when Marissa told Hilary that Lauren hates her.

The other day after the rain we were heading out and as we were packing up the car. Lauren went outside and just stood there in the shade for over 15 minutes just looking at the flowers. I think that's when I decided something. We've been contemplating buying a camper/travel trailer for a long time now. Since we had to cancel the Disney Cruise (which we were supposed to be leaving for next Thursday), we've decided to use that money for a trailer instead. I don't know if we'll ever be able to, or want to risk taking Lauren on a plane (re-circulated air, even though they say it's not, but either way, way too many people in close proximity) and end up in a strange hospital in a strange or foreign town, at least not in the near or immediate future. So on Sunday we pulled the trigger we bought a trailer. We are now planning short trips to local camp sites at both the beach and in the mountains. Camp sites are relatively cheap, costing between $20 - $40 a night (unless we camp at Mission Bay in San Diego which ranges from $85 - $295 a night, we can stay at a 5-star hotel for that price). This will get her off the couch, outside and in a new setting. We can limit and control Lauren's contact with people and their germs. And most importantly, we can get away and create family memories and still be near a hospital (CHLA or CHOC). We are hoping that this will not only help lift Lauren's spirit, but will also help the other girls, especially Marissa, who is bouncing off the walls at home, not to mention, help me and Hilary. First trip is planned for San Clemente Beach in three weeks. Of course I have to still figure out how to park and back up a trailer. Asian driver pulling a trailer. Yikes. Could be worse I suppose, it could be granny driving.

As I was mentioning before I got side tracked, Lauren has given up talking. Right now me and Hilary are on an emotional roller coaster. It's like having an emotional war going on in your head. Conflicting emotions constantly battling each other. Is it the steroids? Is it the tumor? Is she dying? Tomorrow will be better. I'm not going to worry about, it will get better. But what if it doesn't? She looks bad today. She looks good today. She just pooped in her pants. Is that because she is losing her body control functions, or because of the ton of Miralax we're giving her and she thought it was going to be a puff, but turned out to be a poop-puff. She is sleeping a lot, is that good or bad? She didn't eat much today, is that good or bad? She smiled! She laughed! She growled at me. Now she has stopped talking and last night she refused to take her meds. One of the best and most helpful thing about this whole ordeal has been Lauren's cooperation in taking her meds. She takes 6 (steroids, blood pressure, stomach coating, poop, thrash, and one more I can't think of purpose) different meds in the morning, one in the afternoon, and two at night. Can you imagine a 10-minute battle trying to get your 6-year-old child to take their meds every time, three times a day? We'd lose our mind. It's a delicate balance of being firm and being understanding. Especially with a child on steroids. You don't even want to get them worked up, because you'll never get them to take it and you might lose a nose or an eye. So all of this combined equals me and Hilary close to having a nervous breakdown. So yesterday while worrying at work, stomach hurting, trying to concentrate and get stuff done, I had an epiphany. It has to be the steroids. Lauren is still walking relatively fine. Her hand-eye coordination is still relative good, her balance is good. She is not having headaches. Her eyes are working relatively good (she can look up and side to side). We're continuing to lower her Decadron (steroids) by 25% every week. And this has been the most steroids she has been on in a year and a half. So instead of causing 'roid rages it's having the opposite affect. So unless something else happens, I am no longer going to freak out, I'm going to assume all of these symptoms are due to the steroids. So for now, there is a truce in the emotional battle in my head. It may not be strong, but what else can I do?