Today is a significant day, it was a year ago today that Lauren was scheduled to start the Head Start chemo protocol (described as a year's worth of chemo given over 6 days). We were still at CHOC at the time and while we were not yet under Dr. Finlay's care, we were following his protocol. I remember feeling relief that we were finally starting her chemo. Since she was only given 130 days to live, she literally had a time bomb in her head. It had been a month since she was diagnosed yet she hadn't begun any type of treatment yet.

I remember on this day (last year) that my sister and family from NorCal was down visiting. It was a stressful morning, as my sister and her family were packing up and getting ready to go to Disneyland, we were packing up and getting ready to go to CHOC to start Lauren's chemo. I remember Lauren found out that her cousin was going to Disney and she was crying because she wanted to go, too. I remember how heart-breaking it was having to explain to Lauren that she couldn't go because she needed to go the hospital for her chemo. I remember thinking, why are we stuck on this awful path? Why couldn't we be on the path that lead to Disneyland, the "happiest place on earth?"

On the way to CHOC, Lauren started to throw up and had become lethargic. By the time we got to CHOC, her condition had worsened, and she couldn't even walk. I had to carry her in. We were sent straight up to PICU (pediatric intensive care unit). I remember there was a whirlwind of activity. Nurses and doctors were swarming around us. They gave her a boost of Decadron (steroid). Our NP was crying and telling us how sorry she was (while some people may think that wasn't good/professional, I personally did not mind. It touched me that she had felt so deeply for Lauren to cry. I appreciated it, knowing she cared for Lauren and that Lauren wasn't just another customer/patient). But I do remember thinking, is this it? They wanted to take Lauren down to get a CT scan right away, but they needed to make sure a doctor and a crash kit was available first, since the CT was in a different building. After the scan, the neurosurgeon on call (not our normal neurosurgeon) read the scan and brought me and Hilary out of the room to go over it. He told us bluntly, that the tumor has grown 20%, and she was sorry but Lauren had no chance. Our heart sank once again. It really bothered me that the neurosurgeons at CHOC were so quick to write her off.

In the meantime, Lauren's boost of Decadron was taking effect and she had already snapped out of her lethargic state and became a chatter box again. She had recovered so quickly, they transferred us out of PICU down to the oncology floor by that night. Which by the way, was our first time staying on the oncology floor, what an eye opener that was. Seeing all the chemo patients with their bald heads and bone-thin bodies from the chemo laying around. I felt like I was free falling into an endless black hole.

The next day, we were just starting Lauren's chemo when the oncology doctor at CHOC came up to us and said, "I don't think you should follow the Head Start protocol, I'm worried that it will cause the tumor to swell and there is no room in her brain for the tumor to grow anymore." I was like, "What??!! You're telling us now? I thought everyone was on the same page?" At that moment I look over and could see the nurse hooking up the chemo IV to Lauren. I hurriedly tried to call Dr. Finlay, but had to leave a message. I wanted his take on this. Thankfully I had FedEx'd a copy of Lauren's MRI the day before. I wanted to make sure that he would still recommend the Head Start protocol after the change in the tumor size. He finally called me back, I told him the situation. The first thing he said was he didn't see any change in the tumor. He told me that he would call the neurosurgeon and the oncology doctor at CHOC and that he would call me back.

You have to remember, he wasn't even our doctor at the time. I'm not totally sure what happened, but I got the impression that Dr. Finlay got into a heated discussion with both the neurosurgeon and the oncologist at CHOC and there is still bad blood between them to this day. The neurosurgeon even apologized to me, he said he had never been in situation where there had been so much disagreement between doctors and that he was sorry that we were caught in the middle.

So to make a long story a little shorter, at this point we all came to the conclusion that we needed to be under Dr. Finlay's care. It didn't seem fair to the doctors' at CHOC (or Dr. Finlay) that I would run every suggestion or concern they had past Dr. Finlay.

So what I'm trying to say is, today is significant because one year ago today, not only did we get a 2nd chance after we thought we were going to lose Lauren, and not only did we start attacking the tumor, but the events of today one year ago, led to us to being under Dr. Finlay's care, who we believe it is for that reason that Lauren is alive today.